A while ago, the man who occasionally does pirouettes in our alley walked up to our garage sale and began an aimless, winding story about finding money on the street.
MAN: I was a crack addict back then. Let me tell you something, you can do crack all you want, doing crack is fine, but don't deal crack. You can go to jail for LIFE. Do crack but don't deal it! Have a good day!
The next week, as I was packing things into the car to move out, I noticed a guy rooting through our dumpster, wearing army pants and a red, sequined top.
GUY: I hope you don't mind me going through your trash.
ME: Not at all, we don't need it!
GUY: I find all sorts of stuff in trash cans. I find Playboys a lot, and Japanese porn!
GUY: I find dildos all the time. And I have 58 of them at home.
ME: HUH. USED DILDOS.
GUY: Did you know I live at the nursing home? They only give me $30 a month. Do you know what I did with the money last month? I bought a pair of fake plastic titties!
ME: Wow. Well, I have to go now.
GUY: Do you know why I bought plastic titties? Because I want to be a girl.
ME: Good for you!
My mom had the same conversation with him an hour later. however, after we conferred, she cried, "TITTIES? I thought he said fake plastic kitties!".
Yesterday, I was in Borders, listening to a guy harass one of the baristas.
GUY: I like your name! You know what else I like? Cornbread and 2% milk! I like your name just as much as I like cornbread and 2% milk.
Wow. that's just...the highest of compliments, that is.
In other news, I CAN'T DO ART. IT JUST WON'T WORK. I have bought shiny new pens and notebooks and ink and still NOTHING ;______;